“They had a good career,” a now-former colleague mourns as you’re lowered into your grave.

Instead of “Rest In Peace”, "ROI" is etched on your headstone:

Returned, On Investment.

Three days pass and your obituary is posted on LinkedIn (any sooner, any later, "the optics would be bad"):

"After an accomplished career at our organization, Employee #3547 has retired early, involuntarily:

  • 10+ years of industry experience
  • Willing to work evenings and weekends
  • A self-starter who put the company’s interests before their own
  • Proficient in Microsoft Excel

If this sounds like you or someone you know, please apply using the link below."